Recent survey data informs me that my typical reader is an unemployed teenager with little to no internet experience who unintentionally happens across my blog while searching for smut at public library computer terminals. This is a frustrating one-off from my actual target demographic of single, mid-20's amateur tennis players from the Czech Republic.
Something in that report got me thinking, though. Are these teens unemployed because of the recent downturn in our markets and our working environment? It seems as if everyone I know is, in some way, touched by the financial crisis. I knew things were bad when I heard that American Apparel is putting a temporary freeze on the hiring of models who cannot prove that they are at least 14 years old. Meanwhile, my current hometown of San Francisco, which has been called "the financial capital of the West," has seen considerable erosion of its economic clout - property values, employment, iPhones per capita - over the past nine months (however, SF is still firmly in the running for "financial capital of the Bay Area").
So how is A Blogger, Idiot dealing with the times? Two ways. First, I've elected to increase the number of embedded worms and spyware applications in this blog. The royalties I receive from these are enough to get me by, modestly. Second, and more importantly, I've taken it upon myself to share some of my considerable insight into crisis management and life planning, and I've done so via the publication of my new book, A Blogger, Idiot's Guide to Surviving the Economic Downtown (Bantam, $79.99*).
Understanding that most of you will be too stingy to buy the book, I also plan to conduct a well-publicized speaking tour at select town halls and Suncoast Video outlets. Some of the points I will make in my discussions appear below, as a bit of a teaser:
• First and foremost, you need to hunt down Alan Greenspan and bludgeon him repeatedly with a sock half-full of pennies. On the one hand, this is all his fault. On the other, you still need to be putting some money away.
• Spending is often influenced by sub-surface thoughts and impulses. What few people know is that these impulses can be controlled if you know how. One immediate step you can take: stop listening to music that glorifies extravagant lifestyles. Off-limits music includes Big Tymers, Cash Money Millionaires, Three Six Mafia, Chamillionaire, and Ride Wit Me by Nelly (also, no Big & Rich, which while a phonetic coincidence is still a good life rule). Acceptable music for the immediate future is limited to The Soggy Bottom Boys, Eric Clapton Unplugged (particularly track 6) and any 1980's Bruce Springsteen albums.
• Under no circumstances should you plan a four-day outdoor excursion to Yosemite National Park. Such an endeavor would likely require you to purchase significant amounts of camping gear, clothing, maps and guidebooks, etc. Obviously, that sort of expenditure is not prudent at a time like this.
• Make sure you are constantly spitting the lingo of the day. Subprime mortgage was very trendy in 2008 but is losing some of its conversational impact. Some of the more effective catchphrases today include credit-default swaps, over-leveraged, and toxic assets. Even if you are unclear as to the exact definitions or usages of these terms, remember: if knowledge is power, then the illusion of knowledge must bring with it the illusion of power.
For more, you're going to have to purchase the book, or attend one of the stops on the speaking tour. You'll be glad you did. With your money and my expertise, we can get through this.
*Full disclosure - negotiations with the publisher are not yet complete, but I'm positive that the book will go to print soon...followed closely on its heels by another of my projects awaiting approval, The Ugly Truth About Dirt, my 2,100-page exposé on the shadowy power brokers of the global topsoil trade.
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