Enough is enough.
My retail store, I Haven't The Foggiest, is about to conclude its sixth consecutive negative quarter. It has been open for exactly six quarters. I don't get it - it's the only fog machine supply store in San Francisco. The next nearest one is in Boise City. That's 10 hours away. Do you want to drive 10 hours for your fog machine needs? I don't! So maybe more importantly, are you willing to bet against a piece of merchandise that has been around since it passed consumer safety testing in 1965? In favor of what, exactly - volatile commodities? Nebulous options contracts?
In these difficult times, with legacy financial corporations tumbling like dominoes, airlines selling off their planes, and Ruben Studdard skipping meals, the fog machine industry can provide a shot of adrenaline into the flaccid noodle that is the American economy.
Trust me - I took a GED study course in the late '90's.
Skeptical? Guess what single product accounts for nearly 1% of all sales and barters in college dorm swap meets? Drawing a blank? It's also the common link between all four nightclubs in Henderson, Nevada, and several more in Carson City. It's a Rosco model 1700 fog machine, dummy, yours at I Haven't The Foggiest for only $1249 (and if you find a lower advertised price, I will make up the difference in free fog fluid cartridges).
But let's say you can't afford to buy the R-1700 outright. That's where my convenient rent-to-own program comes in. Ninety-six payments and 18% interest may seem like a lot on a cursory glance, but imagine the pride of ownership you'll feel when you finally clutch that pink slip. In today's trying times, it may be difficult or even impossible to secure a home or auto loan, but I guarantee you that at IHTF, you are pre-approved for financing on a new or previously utilized fog machine.
Imagine the look on your special lady's face when you treat her to a night of tasteful music, vintage wine, and bountiful fog rising from floor to midriff. With the stakes so high, how can you afford to not get your foot in the door?
With uncertainty in things like the credit markets and the gender of the next vice president, the one thing that can settle our collective jangled nerves is the comforting hum of a well-maintained fog machine. So come on down to my shop on 46th and Balboa, and let me show you our newest models. And while you're in, feel free to also peruse my colonial stamp collection. All of which is in at least near-mint condition.
2 comments:
Listen, I have the very best idea for the fog machines. Let's bring them to the Richmond and run them 24/7. Surely the fake fog added to the existing fog will make it close to zero visibility. Causing pedestrians to be taken out in record numbers, making driving impossible and therefore the Richmond will be perfectly uninhabitable. People will have to move out, real estate values will plummet, and then sir, we can snap up all of the real estate!
Afterwards we will turn off the machines, sell the properties at a nice profit, and the Richmond will go back to being just plain miserable vs uninhabitable.
Wait....you haven't started using them out here already, have you?
I opted for the 96 payment plan and man did I get a deal! The next party I threw was off the hook. There may not have been that many girls, but there were lots of young men with popped collars and well styled hair (some of them even had shaved legs). I figure this is the first step towards a party with real girls!
I think that you should start selling foam machines too. I think that would really attract the young ladies.
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