Oh, thank goodness I found you, Miss. I hope I haven't startled you. I need your help right away! Without being overly dramatic, believe me when I say that it's a matter of life and death. Or is it life or death? It should probably be life or death, but then again they say that your first instinct is usually right. Life and death? I think I've heard it both ways, and to be blatantly honest, I don't know enough about grammar to decide which is the most correct way to say it.
But Miss! I need your help! I haven't eaten in nearly 24 hours. No, I'm sorry to say that this is not a joke. You see, that's why I've come to this grocery store - this is a grocery store, right? I blacked out a few hours ago, and truthfully, I have no idea how I even got here.
Wait, is this moment even real? Can you pinch me? Better yet, give one of my nipples a gentle (but firm) nibble? On second thought, no, don't worry about that, and please don't leave. I need your help! I'm almost too weak to go on. I need to buy at least a dozen bags of Mother's Cookies, and probably an artichoke or two on top of that. And I don't even know how to eat an artichoke! Do you cook it somehow? Well I don't have that kind of time, you stupid hussy! I haven't eaten in almost 24 hours!
How did this all happen? It started last night, a night like any other. I was watching a TiVo marathon of Pants-Off Dance-Off, munching on a frozen pizza...pretty harmless, right? But then I dozed off, only to wake late for work this morning, and in a panic. I drank a cup of coffee on the drive in, and for some reason that caffeine kept me so jittery that I didn't have an appetite for lunch. Well, next thing you know it's the early afternoon, and suddenly my stomach feels emptier than Hillary Clinton's inbox at Match.com! Needless to say, things might get ugly in a hurry unless I find the Gerber aisle and toss back 8 or 10 jars of Assorted Vegetables!
I don't even think I have time to pay at the register. Is it ok if I throw some money at you? When I walked up to you a moment ago, you were leaning over and I could see your underwear riding up a little. Can I just slip some bills under the waistband of your...thong? Is it a thong? Or is it actually a t-string? Crap! At the time, it didn't seem important!
Now I wonder if they are edible panties. Are they? Because if you leaned over again, I would probably eat them right off your body. Edible or not.
On third thought, maybe you can bite my nipple after all?
Alright, don't, but just do some sort of point/lean in the direction of the cookie aisle and keep the change.
1 comment:
Sounds like you need less caffeine and a girlfriend...but in the mean time I guess Mother's Cookies will do.
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